An Ode To The One Called God

I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve given thanks to God.
The number grows significantly higher when you factor in all the times I’ve blamed God, add up every reason I’ve professed to hate God, and I cannot count, not even on both hands how many times I’ve said
I do not believe in God.
I still don’t know if I believe in God
But I’m writing this poem to a God I’m not sure I believe in
To a God I have never once believed was listening
In the hopes that maybe
NOW
He is listening.
I hope this poem reaches him like a prayer,
Hope it touches Him like praise,
This poem is not a declaration of thanks or of blame;
This poem is all forgiveness.
I am writing to say I forgive you, God, for all the terrible things done in your name.
It has taken me twenty years to realize that I’ve never seen God with my own eyes
And I’ve never heard God with my own ears
The fears ingrained in my soul were taught to me by men
It has taken me twenty years to question:
What authority do I think they have that I listen to them?
I’ve both spent twenty years on your green earth
And granted,
I generally stay farther away from church than I’m willing to say, but
Somewhere in my twenty years, I learned the difference between Christian and Christ-like
It was taught to me recently by a young lady who was the combination of both,
A young lady who taught me nothing if not forgiveness
So I forgive you, God
For all the hate they preach in your name
For all the fear they wield in your image
For people claiming to be your disciples teaching hate thy self
Instead of love thy neighbor
I forgive you for the times when my life was dark
Because now I see the value of striking relentless in the name of one little spark
I forgive you for the putting the choice in our hands, knowing full well how often we were likely to choose wrong
I forgive you, God.
For every time I gave up on myself
For every time I didn’t think I was enough
For giving up on a God I refused to believe would reside in a damaged vessel,
Would reside in me
I do not know if I believe in God, but God, if you’re listening, I know now that you believe in me
I forgive myself for not reading the bible, because not knowing the Ten Commandments word for word
That never meant I didn’t know better than to lie cheat and steal my way through a life that was never fair
I forgive you for my life never being fair
Because my life never being fair left me open
All this wear and tear on my soul only left me softer, only made me care
I forgive me for not being perfect
Because if you are a part of me, then a part of me is perfect, and I can let that part of me shine through every time I screw up; I can perfectly try again
I forgive you for the venom that stains the souls of men
Because I don’t know if I believe in God
But I have seen perfect in their eyes
There is God in each of us
And right now, God,
You are forgiven.
They say there’s a little God in all of us, so when I say that I forgive you, God
I forgive me.